Friendship

I hope we all remember to nurture our friendships, especially those that challenge us.

A few weeks ago, I found a towel that said, "We've Been Friends For So Long, I Can't Remember Which One Of Us Is The Bad Influence."  As I was pondering whether to get this for my friend, my mom just blurted out, "You are getting that for her, right?".  She saw the towel and had immediately thought of the same friend I was thinking of.

Sometimes, I think of us like the characters in the Bette Middler movie, Beaches.  I might be a little more Bette Midler and she might be a little more the other character, but we might also split that a little even.  I'm more conservative, she's more liberal.  I'm religious, she's secular.  I'm barely over 5 feet, she's closer to 6.  It took me 72,000 steps to finish our marathon, it took her 55,000.  I'm a married family woman, she's single.

In college, she helped me with her editing skills.  As my husband can attest, my grammar probably would have had me failed out of many classes if it hadn't been for her help.  I helped her not burn the house down.  She didn't know how to cook even macaroni and cheese at that time (she is now something close to a gourmet cook through many years of practice).  We met because of her old roommate that neither one of us has talked to in over 20 years, by chance.

I still remember her being mortified when a socialist professor of ours said, "Aah, my 2 liberals," as we left a party at his house.  She responded to him, "You do know what she believes, right?".  He replied, "No, I'm not talking about party affiliation, I'm talking about people who think outside the box."  She was there with me when I was crazy enough to take a Marxism class with a former Marxist Black Panther.  She thought I was flirting with disaster.  I naively responded, "Well, if I have to learn about it, I want to learn about it with someone who actually believed it."  Her jaw dropped when in that class I had the further cajones to say that some people said the Civil War was more than about slavery and also about states' rights.  My professor fortunately respected that I had the bravery to say this.

But instead of the "wind beneath my wings" she probably thinks I'm the blisters beneath her feet.  I'm the one who recruited her to come down from New England and run another marathon with me.

After finishing our marathon and eating a much earned wonderful meal by my husband, my friend looks at me as if she was just struck with a new realization, "This was your fault, you are the one who got me to do this crazy thing."  She was ultimately happy that I challenged her, and it was an excuse for us to get together and bond, but she experienced the travails of the marathon just like I did.

While I joked with her about doing a "Tough Mudder" as our next endeavor, she firmly stated that a "Spa Weekend" would be our next excursion.

She asked my husband if he could think of anything the two of us had in common.  He had a blank look.  I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the next day when she said, "I can't believe he couldn't think of anything we shared in common."  I reminded her that this is the same wonderful man who was engaged to me and couldn't remember what eye color I had; being observant wasn't really his greatest skill.

We dabbled in the topics of religion and politics a little and then we stepped back.  We have worked out a rhythm of about how much we can dialogue before it no longer becomes dialogue.  As we were spending time together I turned to her and said, "I think I know what we have in common; we are generous with each other and others and we like to think the best of people."  We are idealists and though some of our moral values are not the same, we know we are both trying to be the best people we can be.  We ask questions of each other without insulting the other.

In a world of polarization, it makes a big difference if we are trying to understand each other or convert one another.  Our friendship is one of conversion, not of each other, but of ourselves.  We hold each other accountable to be the best they can be.  We are not always diplomatic with each other (both of us have abruptly laid the truth out for each other when it comes to relationships).  She's my friend who told me, "He's too hot for you" about a boyfriend and she turned out to be right.  He was not my type.

Sometimes, joys come in friendships not over common interest, but over common good.  Sometimes, we are called to engage with those who aren't in our "sphere" of likes and dislikes.  Our society is becoming more and more polarized and it is easier for us all to judge and separate and label and think of "other" as someone separate and not someone we need or choose to have a relationship with, but whether it's our family, friend or acquaintance,  it's great to see and try to understand the "other".  Even if I see her through eyes of faith, and she sees me through the eyes of a humanitarian, we can still see each other as sisters in humanity and friends.

Habits

Well, the habits I had tried to instill in my son from the beginning of the school year have succeeded in 2 of the 3 cases, so I guess I will take that as a victory.  Habit is kind of an interesting thing.  Some habits are hard to change.  Some habits we have no idea why we have them and some are helpful and keep us on "autopilot".  Apparently the reason why we have habits is so we can take some of our "executive functioning" and turn it into autopilot.  Whether it's the route you always drive to drop your son off school, or that you always brush your teeth before bed, or the habits athletes use to make their sport efficient.  The fewer decisions we have to make in a day, the better, so habit and routine helps our brain prioritize and focus on other things.

It's interesting because professionally I used to have a lot of habits and I've found in my current line of work I have to be much more adaptable.  Working in different places with different people who are used to different doctors with different habits makes me realize what habits are essential to me to function and what I just developed to be efficient in certain situations.

I have been trying to get into the habit of running and eating healthier in preparation for my marathon coming at the end of the month.  I've been blessed to join a social running group and one of the coaches actually mentioned a book her husband had been reading-The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life.  She had been talking about how it talks about the military and how the military makes everything into a habit for efficient behavior and also how it applies to people fighting addiction.  I didn't really think any of this applied to me, but I decided the topic sounded interesting.  I went ahead and put in a request at my library for the book.

It has been a very intriguing read.  It discusses the history of selling habits, whether it was the first marketers at the turn of the 19th century and trying to get people into the habit of brushing their teeth, or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers turn-around of the team by focusing on the habits people already have, it's been an interesting and understandable discussion.

I actually found myself talking about the book in the exam room the other day.  It was a classic presentation- the person who brought in the dog knew the dog had a weight problem.  That person was responsible and bought the dog low-calorie, high fiber food and limited table scraps being given to the dog.  The rest of the family fell prey to how utterly cute the dog was and how big the eyes got when begging (The dog demonstrated this very effectively when I was looking at it and asking me for a treat).  As we talked about weight and treats, the owner looked defeated.  I mentioned to her there was a way she wouldn't have to work against the habit they had already developed.  I explained that the cue (dog begging with huge eyes) could still occur and the family could still get the same reward (family feeling like they treated the dog).  The only thing that needed to change was the routine.  She looked interested.  So, when the dog begs- you replace the routine of giving meat or bread or treats with carrots or green beans or a cat treat.  Whatever low calorie snack your dog needs to get the reward- Dog looking at you with adoration.  The healthier habit change would be that when the cue happens, you give attention to the pet and then they look at you adoringly.  Studies have shown that a lot of times when pets beg, they are actually just looking for attention and it doesn't necessarily need to be food.

I haven't read the whole book yet, but I am definitely looking forward to it.  What do you think about habits and our ability to change them?



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Goodbye my first kitty love.

Duchess, you came into my heart accidentally, literally being dumped at a vet clinic....

Duchess, dear kitty,

I always knew this day would come and now that you are over 19 1/2, it's no surprise but it still hurts to say goodbye.

You possibly saved my life and my unborn child's life by letting me know that labor could be on its way...  (I thought maybe I was being a crazy cat lady but the doctor heard what you were doing and moved up my C-section)

You shared the ups and downs of vet school, an intense internship and a couple boyfriends, enjoying ice cream and lobster bisque with me.  During break ups, I could almost see you saying, "ice cream is so much better than boyfriends."

  When we found out you had a brain tumor and I decided to start giving you shrimp, scallops and other table scraps, you almost gave me a look like, "I should have faked this brain tumor years ago".  My husband thinks you are like the Dowager Duchess in Downton Abbey- I think you are more like Sophia on Golden Girls.

You were a best friend through many ups and downs, job changes and more, the last 18 years you've done it all with me.  Including a few cross-country flights.  You taught me what it is like to be a cat owner, even though you think you are a dog.  You are NOT the type of best friend who would talk on the phone, listening for hours offering consoling thoughts.  You were more like the best friend who once told me, "your boyfriend is too hot for you."  Most friends would take that as an insult, but she was right (he was a playboy) and just like your "statements" are more than most pet owners would take, they are always quite honest.

You fell in love with my husband and somehow you turned the man who said, "I will tolerate your cat because I love you" into "your mommy is so mean Duchess" and "we will do whatever we need to do for Duchess."

You saved me from studying too much by lounging across my books and reminding me why I became a veterinarian in the first place...

You trained a dog to be more like a cat.  You even trained him that even though he's 60 pounds and you're 5 pounds, you are the boss.  I still remember the time I caught you giving him "THE LOOK" and he moved off his dog bed to give it to you.

 Even my son when he was a toddler realized you were the boss.

You taught me that the domesticated feline can be just as talented and awesome a huntress as the ones you see on safari.  A previous owner had removed all of your nails, but even without claws and with a bell on you were the svelte and smooth predator.  We never knew we had a mouse problem at my parents' house until we got you.  You caught them but were also merciful.  You had no problem catching them live, putting them in a tall container and doing an exchange for a treat.  I'm quite confident those mice never found their way into the house after you got them.

You killed scorpions when we lived in Arizona.  You pretty much earned free rent and the ability to be irritating for the rest of your life with that one.

You saved me from becoming a complete pack rat by destroying memorabilia and furniture that we couldn't part with but needed to.

You let me know that "cry it out" with a baby is just not cool.  You did this with loud meowing, throwing your body against the door and inappropriate gifts.  You let it be known that YOUR baby needed help and you were the maternal figure who couldn't ignore him.

Duchess, we will miss you.  I don't think it's cliche and even if it is, I don't care.  I know there's not another cat out there like you.  Even my grandma and dad who said, they never liked cats, liked you.  You always made me crack up when you seemed to know who didn't like you and you hovered around them.  I'm pretty sure if kitties have a sense of humor, you had an awesome one.

Goodbye Duchess and thank you.  I don't need to get into the theology of "do pets go to heaven?" to know that pets are a special gift from God.  Our Creator has entrusted them in our hands for a limited time and I will be grateful I got to know you and occasionally be irritated with you because well- that's what love is and you have taught me how to love bigger and deeper.

Know Thyself; Book Review

I was very happy to have received this book.  Between moving 5 times in 5 years while having a very demanding professional life, getting married and then having a son, my life became very disorganized.

When you add in trying to merge two households and not having the time to declutter.  Well, you know it's a recipe for disaster.

Know Thyself: The Imperfectionist's Guide to Sorting Your Stuff  by Lisa Lawmaster Hess was a great book.  Sometimes when I read organizational books, I'm left saying, "Well, that works if your brain works that way, but if my brain worked that way, I wouldn't need to read this book."

The first step in organization isn't really organization- it's decluttering.  It's simplifying.  It's getting rid of those things that aren't really relevant or useful anymore.  Spiritually I think that working with others who are not as blessed as I am has really helped me to let go of some of my stuff.  Why  hold on to some pillows I got from Ikea years ago that just aren't my style anymore?  Giving them to an organization that helps the homeless and victims of domestic violence seems like  a blessing on both sides.  I had furniture that someone gave to me in college and now I can give it to someone else going off to college- pay it forward.

I come from a profession who though we are type A, we are overall very disorganized.  We have to manage multiple crises at once and generally don't have the time to keep a clean, neat desk, or even a focused thought.  One of my colleagues came to me for advice on setting up a small business because, "You're the most organized vet I know."  My husband thought this was a huge joke.  When I informed him that I am actually fairly organized compared to colleagues, he decried, "Well that is really sad for the profession."  My husband is not perfect either, but we seem to compliment each other in our strengths and weaknesses.  Lisa Lawmaster Hess is the perfect author for this book, with a history of being a retired elementary school counselor and an adjunct professor of psychology, she understands the relationship components behind organization.

I remember reading the Konmari book and thinking, "That's great if you live by yourself".  There's no way you can just start throwing out other people's stuff.  That doesn't work.  We all love and have importance attached to different things and it's not always apparent.  We also all have different ways our brains work.  I remember a roommate commenting that I "flowed like a river" and so did my stuff.  Instead of suggesting you become someone you aren't, Lisa recommends you work with what you have.  From the color of containers to the type of containers to your system, she first gives you a psychological profile of your "personal organizational style".  Are you a "Drop and Run".  Or a "Cram and Jam" or an "I know I put it somewhere".  (I found I'm a mix of a couple).  She discusses decluttering and adds a spiritual element to it.  Each chapter begins with a biblical verse and ends with a prayer.

She talks about organizing obstacles, "motivation (or the lack thereof)",  warring styles, seasons of the year and seasons of life.  There is also a whole section on organizing with kids and making changes that are sustainable.

I enjoyed this book and found some helpful tips.  More importantly it gave me some support in knowing I don't have to be a natural organizer to make some progress.  God didn't make me to be disorganized, He gave me, my husband and my son our own unique gifts and there is a way we can use them together to have a little sanity.
 
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