I'm Irish and Polish AND I've kissed the blarney stone. So needless to say, I have the "gift of gab". It's not always a gift though. Sometimes it's my cross too. Sometimes, my mouth gets me in trouble. As I discussed with my husband recently, some of our biggest gifts can be our biggest faults too. In the case I was talking to him about, sometimes my empathy, which makes me a great, caring doctor also makes me an overly sensitive person. I'm "gifted" with being able to read a room, and to read people- their emotions, their behavior. I'm not always good at this, especially with those closest to me (I think if I was busy "reading" those closest to me, my relationships would be less authentic). But some cases, I'm able to pick up on subtleties and try to navigate around potential land mines. Some of the people I've worked with have commented that I have the ability to "talk people off the ledge". My mom has commented on my "Irish Diplomacy" before. This is a phrase that's supposed to mean, "the Art of Telling a man to go to H-ll so he actually looks forward to making the trip." It's exhausting though. As I've gotten older and more experienced, interacting with 20 or more people a day and "working the room" is draining. I enjoy people, especially when they are friendly and care for their animals. The people who are draining though, the people who want a simple answer, when it's not a simple disease, the people who you spend 20 minutes talking to and then they ask a question which is what you just spent the past 20 minutes answering- that's what drains me at the end of the day.
My husband does not think of me as anti-social, but sometimes, I feel very anti-social. I just am tired of talking- even with friends I just don't enjoy conversations as much as I used to. I still enjoy the friendships but talking just seems more draining to me, especially after I've spent ALL DAY talking at work.
What's the point of this blogpost, you're probably asking now... Well- I have done a silent retreat before- twice and it was wonderful. The first one was when I was engaged and the second one was right before I found out I was pregnant. The retreat was great (maybe not the food). The silence- the reading- the being present with other people with the expectation that they don't talk. It's not complete silence- it's typically presentations by a retreat master (the one person who is allowed to talk) and Masses with music- oh and you are allowed to talk during the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
I'm looking forward to this weekend- it's been 5 years since my last silent retreat, so there is a certain part of me that might be slightly nervous about keeping my mouth shut for over 36 hours, but there's also a part of me that is really looking forward to this. The time for me to try to stop talking and to stop the internal voice that even talks in my head during Mass. If I remember correctly, I will go through a couple of hours of constant chatter in my head and then I will be able to bring on internal silence. Sometimes, internal silence can be scary- sometimes it's at that time when things come to light that your subconscious has been trying to talk over, but sometimes letting whatever that is bubble up is the route to healing. I seem to remember my last retreat I spent a lot of time sleeping- probably a sign of my early pregnancy- but also probably a sign of how much I needed rest. I also remember not feeling guilty about that- it's good to remember what St. Therese of Liseux said about falling asleep in front of the Lord- "I remember that little children are as pleasing to their parents when they are asleep as when they are wide awake".
I will miss my husband and son for about 36 hours, but hopefully, after a weekend of silence, I will be a refreshed and happier wife and mother to be able to take on whatever next new horizon the Lord has in His plans.
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